I Cannot Hide My Despair

I cannot hide my despair.

As I woke up this morning and looked around my house; I realized that nothing there had changed. And yet I could not hide my despair. As I showered and cried, and dressed and readied myself for my day, I could not hide my despair. As I drank my morning coffee, fed my dogs, talked with my fiancé, I could not hide my despair. As I kissed my daughter goodbye, wished her a good day at school, and reminded her of how great she is, I could not hide my despair.

As I drove to work alone, trapped in my car with only my internal thoughts to keep me company, I could not hide my despair. As I remembered seeing the picture of the man wearing a T Shirt reading “let’s put white back in the white house”, I could not hide my despair. As I remembered that 4 years ago people had bumper stickers saying “Don’t re-nig in 2012”, I could not hide my despair. As I read the things my gay and lesbian friends were saying online this morning, I could not hide my despair. As I worried over those same friends and the fear they felt today that their marriages might not be legal in the near future, I could not hide my despair. As I saw many of my black friends say they felt hated and looked over, that they felt fearful for their sons and daughters, I could not hide my despair. As I remembered the many folks I know who have a different skin color than me, I could not hide my despair. As I read one post from a long-time friend who is fearful that he won’t live another year because he cannot afford to pay for his medication, I could not hide my despair. As I watched the rallying people online flying their confederate flags, yelling racist remarks about our current President, I could not hide my despair. As I remembered that just in the last few weeks I have seen people I know use racist words on social media, disrespectful words – like retarded, nigger, towel-head, faggot…..I could not hide my despair.

Today is a day of just feeling despair for me, and I dare say for many others. I wish I could organize my thoughts better and write what I am truly feeling today.  But today is all about just feeling despair. I think it’s okay if I just take at least one day to grieve the world I thought I lived in, as I realize I must accept it for what it actually is. Despair for our country, our people, our children, and our safety. Despair for all those out there who are feeling scared, violated, let down, and astonished this morning.

Then I see well-meaning people online saying I’m sorry. I see people saying it’s time to just forget it and work together. I am unsure where these people were when the current Administration was trying to get everyone to work together. I’m wondering where they were when everyone was running around saying “He’s not MY President.” I’m unsure why they’re saying they are sorry to their friends and family members who are voicing their own despair today. It’s sort of like a slap in the face, isn’t it? To say I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you’re afraid. I’m sorry that you are in despair…but really I’m not sorry.

Hello, I am sorry that although you are legally married to your soul mate, raising your family the best you can, working full time, paying your taxes, being a great and productive citizen…. I’m sorry that very soon your marriage might not be real. It will be okay. It is okay if they put an end to same sex marriage. It is okay if they say your marriage is no longer valid. It is okay if you die and your spouse is left with nothing because legally your marriage doesn’t count. I’m sorry, but not really.

Hello, I am sorry that someone tried to sexually harass or assault you. I’m sorry you expected to be treated with respect. I’m sorry you feel that you cannot jog alone after dark. I’m sorry that we are okay with that. I’m sorry that you are de-valued as a woman. I’m sorry that you cannot, as a woman, take care of your own medical issues. I’m sorry if you cannot expect men to treat you with honor. I’m sorry that we are okay with treats and innuendos being called jock talk. I’m sorry that we are okay with bullies getting the upper hand. ’m sorry, but not really.

Hello, I am sorry if you cannot hold true to the God you believe in. I’m sorry if your version of God doesn’t fit ours. I’m sorry if you don’t want to pray the same way we do. I’m sorry if you are persecuted because your religion doesn’t match ours. I’m sorry if you don’t have the same right to your religion as I have to mine. I’m sorry, but I’m not.

Hello, I’m sorry if you are walking down the street minding your own business, but because of your skin color, you are open to stop and frisk. I’m sorry that we can profile you as suspicious, stop and frisk you at our will, due to the fact that you are black and we are suspicious of blacks. I’m sorry if we have to stop you while you’re out walking with your son. We have to stop and frisk him as well. I’m sorry, but not really.

I just don’t want to hear one damn I’m sorry from anyone right now. In fact, not ever. We are all allowed the opportunity in this country to vote. We are allowed to vote for whomever we wish. I’m not sorry for that and I don’t disrespect that opportunity.  But it is me who is terribly sorry this morning. I am sorry that we still have this archaic system of elections. I am sorry that our system ignores the popular vote in favor of an “all in” or “all out” approach based on absurd population numbers for a made up Electoral College. I’m sorry that more people voted for a respectable, intelligent, experienced and dedicated woman, and yet having the highest number of votes did not count. I’m sorry that our system is so outdated and that we cannot seem to change it. I am sorry that yet again, we have one person winning the popular vote but not winning the election. Although I will add one important thing here. She did win the popular vote. Yes there are still some paper/mail votes coming in. We likely won’t have that actual final tally for a few weeks. But it appears that one candidate actually did get more votes by numbers alone. And that candidate did not win. But it does add one SMALL ray of hope into my heart today. That means that more people voted against the hate and racism and bigotry than voted for it. But I’m still in despair that almost half of the voters did vote for this hate. I am in despair that, as a country, we still think it’s OKAY to not allow the winner to actually win. Hell I’m still sorry for Al Gore all those years ago when he actually won, and yet he lost!

I feel like I woke up today to a realization that I should have accepted earlier. But if I didn’t accept it before, I do now. And I’m feeling despair because I have realized and accepted it for what it is. When I see people running around wearing racist shirts, yelling racist words, and supporting this kind of hate, I feel so sad that these are my fellow Americans. I really thought we were better than that. I guess I just didn’t want to accept the truth. But I sure see it now. I see that about half of us want to turn back the clock and bring back the America we knew decades ago. Back when women stayed in the kitchen, blacks stayed on their knees, gay and lesbians stayed in the closets.

There are many things I stand for, and many things I stand against. I stand for equality for all – no matter what color the skin, where they were born, what they look like, who they marry, what their religion, what language they were born to, etc. I stand for equality for all. I’ve learned today that about half of our country does not stand for this. I stand for rights and respect. I stand for medical care for everyone who needs it. I stand for the little people just trying like hell to keep afloat in a system that’s fighting against them. I stand for women, for children, for same sex couples, for blacks, Latinos, Muslims, refugees, immigrants, and union workers. Every single thing I hold important is now under fire. Everything I stand against has the ability to become reality.

So although I cannot seem to truly organize my thoughts and feelings today, I’m left with only these two things. I’m sorry and I cannot hide my despair. Those two simple things seem so small and useless today in the face of this new reality. But they are all I can come up with. They encompass every single thing I am feeling today.

I’m sorry and I cannot hide my despair.